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Belfast Earthquake!
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At 0945 yesterday morning a major earthquake measuring 4.5 on the Richter scale epicentered on greater Belfast. The earthquake decimated the area, causing an estimated £330 million of damage, with the exception of Sandy Row and Ardoyne where approximately £3 million of improvements were made!
Untold damage and distress was caused, with many woken before their Giros arrived! Several priceless collections of mementos from Millisle and the Costa del Sol were damaged and three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed. A mural of King Billy was destroyed on the Shankill, as was one of some ‘oul-doll gurning, on the Falls.
Thousands are confused that something other than political madness has shaken Belfast. Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly amidst the wreckage muttering “Wha ? What the “F%*k was lat”.
One survivor Tracey-Anne Kirsty-Lee Kylie Johnston, a 17-year-old mother of three told us “I near crapped maself. Our Shania-Fairybell came gurning into my room this mornin. The chyle was in an awful state. My youngest ones, Britney-Jo and Justin-Keanu slept through it all,so they did. I was still shakin watchin ‘Trisha’ – you know what I mean like. It’s awful so it is. All my windies are broke and I can’t get the howl of the Housin Executive for til fix them. They’ve only been fixed for a week after me and his last row. I’ve lost my fegs an everything – it’s terrible so it is. Luk at the state of my hair. Have ya any fegs mister?”.
Apparently in the West of the city joyriding and looting carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000 crates of beer into the area to help with the stricken masses but were stoned, bricked and petrol bombed as they left the area.
Rescue workers still searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke and Ratners. They claim that the death toll would have been significantly higher had the Bru been open at the time.
HOW YOU CAN HELP:- Clothing is most sought after – Items required include: Sovereign rings, Burberry baseball caps, white socks, Tesco two-stripe trainers, white track suits, chunky gold chains.
FOOD PARCELS ARE ALSO URGENTLY REQUIRED. Required foodstuffs include: beer, frozen Burgers, beer, lard, beer, deep fried Mars Bars, Tayto cheese ‘n onion, beer, Chinese takeaway.
REMEMBER – EVERY LITTLE HELPS… 25p will buy a biro pen to fill in a spurious claim form. £31.95 will buy an All-Day Ulsterbus ticket to enable victims to travel from the Bru to the Post Office to McDonalds to the Wine Store. £160 will take a family to Antrim for the day where the children can sniff glue and skin-up. £31.50 will buy fish suppers and an E for a family of 4.
Please send your credit card number and sample signature now.
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