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Friday Humour – sure why not
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Tim Vine Quotes
So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
went
T’PAU! I said “Don’t you mean KAPOW??
He said “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet
‘Best Before End’So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said
“Analogue.” I said “No, just a watch.”I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.”
The bloke said “Kenwood” I said, “Where is he?”So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy
said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.”
He said, “You’ve got cholera.”So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his
name, it’s P something T something R.I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put
it down.I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and
on.My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?? I said “I
wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is
for the custard.”This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
“Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me
on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you
anything.”I phoned the local builders today, I said to them “Can I have a skip
outside my house?” He said, “I’m not stopping you!”So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull
goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it. I thought that’s Aboriginal.I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say
I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me
what had happened. I said “I careered off the road”I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny you couldn’t swing a
cat in there.I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three countsI bought a train ticket and the driver said “Eurostar” I said “Well I’ve
been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays
or Thursdays.”So I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I take out The
Elephant Man?” He said, “He’s not your type.” I said “How about Batman Forever?”
He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow”I just got that in my mailbox.
Heard this over lunch:
Why did the hippie drown? Cos he was too _far out_ for the lifeguard to save him. *DRUM ROLL PLEASE!*
OK … I’ll leave :-)
Aidan you are in my bad books.
I just saw that “block” link you posted.
My productivity has gone out the window for today.
There will be questions asked on Monday now.Damn you – oh and that was a crap joke. :wink:
ha ha just checked the same dude mailed us both. Frikin spammer
Seeing that they can’t get any worse than Graham’s jokes…
(apologies in advance :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: )
What do termites eat for breakfast?
Oakmeal.Why were the suspenders arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants.How does the queen bee get around her hive?
She’s throne.What do bees do if they don’t want to drive?
Wait at the buzz to stop.Two parrots were sitting on a perch.
One said to the other, “It smells fishy around here.”Two fish were in a tank.
One said to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.Oh god what have i started –
“won’t some please think of the children”
just stop the madnessA girl walk into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so he gives her one.
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
*Runs for her life*
:lol:Ali wrote:
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
*Runs for her life*
:lol:That’s just too geeky! Even for us…
lol .. speaking of which – check out http://www.thinkgeek.com. I’m kinda gutted i’m a geek too :D It’s a serious romance killer lol.
joe_elway wrote:
Oh jaysus! Next we’ll see Ali in a “C:DOS, C:DOSRUN” t-shirt.
STOP IT WITH THE GEEK JOKES :evil:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Oh it gets worse,
How many people can read hex if only you and dead people can read hex?
57006:-)
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