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Friday Humour – sure why not
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Seeing as Ali started this – in more ways than one ;-)
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That’s a hardware problem.Ali wrote:
I’m kinda gutted i’m a geek too :D It’s a serious romance killer lol.
And on that note ….
An engineer is walking down the road one day, and, seeing a frong on the side of the road, bends down to look at it. Suddenly, it pipes up and talks to him!
“I may look like a frog now, but I’m really a princess – if you kiss me, I’ll turn back into my real self!”
The engineer smiles, picks up the frog, puts it in his (pocket protected) shirt pocket and goes on to the lab.
When he gets to the lab, he puts the frog down to get some work done, and she opens her mouth to speak:
“I tell you, I’m a beautiful princess! If you kiss me, I’ll turn back, and I’ll do anything you want!”
The engineer smiles, and goes on with is work. After he’s done, he picks the frog up. She again starts talking to him:
“Look, I’m a princess turned into a frog! If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful woman. I’ll do whatever you want! And I’ll stay with you forever!”
The engineer peers at the frog, smiles, and tucks it back in his pocket for the walk home. When he gets there, he pulls her out, and she nearly screams at him:
“WHAT THE HELLS THE MATTER WITH YOU? Here I am, I’m a beautiful princess, I’ll do whatever you want, and I’ll stay with you forever! Why won’t you kiss me??”
The engineer says, “Well, I don’t have time for a girlfriend,…”
GrahamB wrote:
Graham sits banging his head against the desk – – – :cry: :cry: :cry:
Now I am laughing :D
Graham slowly stands up now very dizzy from repeatidly banging his head and stumbles to
the door for a smoke – all this in a weak attempt to escape the madness that he himself has
helped create.The geeks sit giggling around the cauldren of bad jokes waiting for him to return so they can fish another
one out of the frotty mess and serve it up like a three month old hard boiled egg.A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Hudson’s daughter.”
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say, “I’m Jane Hudson.”
The minister spoke to her in Sunday school and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Hudson’s daughter?”
She replied, “Well, I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”BELIEVE it or not ,
These are REAL 911 Calls!Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired
of it!Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!And the winner is……….
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath.
Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.Pilot Error Funny Stuff! Actual exchanges between pilots and control
towersTower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
************************************************************ ************
**************************
Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a
747 makes when it hits a 727?”
************************************************************ ************
****************************
>From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
“I’m f…ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”
************************************************************ ************
**************************
O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this.. I’ve got the
little
Fokker in sight.”
************************************************************ ************
****************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known
position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”
************************************************************ ************
***************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out
after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of
the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe
exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”
************************************************************ ************
****************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard
the
following:
Lufthansa (in German): ” Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany
. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
“Because
you lost the bloody war!”************************************************************ ************
****************************
Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency124.7″
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way,after we
lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contactDeparture on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern
702?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we
copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”
************************************************************ ************
*****************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
the
DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you
make
it all by yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real
zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and
I’ll
have enough parts for another one.”
************************************************************ ************
****************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call
sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ” Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulledonto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not
been
to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, – And I
didn’t land.”
************************************************************ ************
*************************
While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a
United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air
crew,
screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to
turn
right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
I
know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but
get
it right!” Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting
hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever
to
sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to!
You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I
want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You
got that, US Air 2771?”
“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in
every
cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the Employee’s’ home phone number and was greeted with a child’s’ whisper.
“Hello?”
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No,”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mummy there?”
“Yes,”
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No,”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman”.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A helicopter” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter,”
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…“ME”
:lol: Love the last one Daky :D Have a great weekend all, this baby is over and out !! woop woop woop!!
Quantas pilots fill out a form called a “gripe sheet”, which tells Mechanics about problems with the aircraft. Mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight…
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an M).
By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That’s what they’re for.P: IFF inoperative.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you’re right.P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.And the best one for last…
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midgetTears rolling down my cheeks as I’m reading the pilot/mechanic stuff. Easy to know it’s 17:15 on a Friday!
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