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One liners
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Or thin people:
She could look through the keyhole with both eyes
Or fat people:
She went sunbathing and Greenpeace towed her back out to sea
Or more controversially:
Roll her in flour and go for the wet patch
“Fart and give me a clue”nfl-fan wrote:
I’m fat… and I don’t like all these fat jokes… they upset me.
That’s the funniest one yet
nfl-fan wrote:
I’m fat… and I don’t like all these fat jokes… they upset me.
I’m fat too but keep them coming
I wouldn’t be what you’ld describe a skinny either but I’m laughing so much that I can see people running to stand in the doorways with the ground shaking.
Keep ’em coming!Talking of one-liners. Tommy cooper specials :
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, “That’s Aboriginal.”
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, permanent.”
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I went to the local video shop and I said “Can I borrow Batman Forever?” He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow”
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue.” I said “No, just a watch.”
I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.” The bloke said “Kenwood” I said, “Where is he then?”
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?? I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
I phoned the local builders, today; I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?” He said, “I’m not stopping you!”
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said “I careered off the road”
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said “Eurostar” I said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Robbie Williams.?
You’ve a neck like a jockey’s bo****ks
Meat and two veg, also known as Big Jim and the Twins
Shes a head like a bag of spanners
Best quote ever heard at a schools soccer match by the referee “if you can’t handle a contact sport, I suggest you take up knitting”
Seeing as we’re copy/pasting…here’s Steve Wright…the funniest comedian this side of his planet.
1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
3 – Half the people you know are below average.
4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend… but she left me before we met.
12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 – Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 – I intend to live forever… So far, so good.
20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
34 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
35 – A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
36 – Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
37 – Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.
38 – Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
39 – For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
40 – I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
41 – I was once walking through the forest, alone, and a tree fell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear it.
42 – Black holes are where God divided by zero.
43 – I have a microwave fireplace. I can lie down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes.
44 – On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.
45 – I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
46 – When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, “If this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.”
47 – A metaphor is like a simile.
48 – I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
49 – I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
50 – When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
* I’m so hungry I’d eat a small child
* She had a face on her like a well slapped arse
* You’re as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit
* My mouth’s as dry as a nun’s crack
* He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup
* He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician
* As funny as a burning orphanage
* He’s so camp, he shites tent pegs
* I’m as sick as a plane to Lourdes
* I feel like a boiled sh1te (hung-over)
* (when leaving) I’m off like a deb’s dress
* She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn
* As busy as the Dalkey dole office
* Sweatin’ like a paedophile in a Barney suit
* As tight as a nun’s knickers
* I’m so horny I’d get up on the crack of dawn
* I’d crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.
* No show pony but would do for a ride around the house
* Did your mother find out who your father is yet?
* I left her with a face like a painter’s radio
* A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard!!
* Jaysus, she could breastfeed a creche
* As fit as a butcher’s dog
* Not even the tide would take her out
* Mother Teresa wouldn’t kiss her
* Daz wouldn’t shift her
* Des Kelly wouldn’t lay her
* A sniper wouldn’t take her out
* Jaysus, ya wouldn’t ride her into battle
* If I’d a bag of bruised willies, I wouldn’t give her one
* She has a face on her like a bulldog that’s just licked piss off a nettle
* She wouldn’t get a kick in a stampede
* She had a fanny like a badly packed kebab
* If I’d a garden full of mickeys, I wouldn’t let her look over the wall“That fellas so tight he’d peel an orange in his pocket.”
“‘Thats the craic now’ she said with one leg up on the table.”
are farts supposed to be lumpy
butter face- everything is nice but her face
you live round here or you ride a bike?
your tall for your size
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