Some quotes

[BM]

October 23, 2009 at 9:54 am

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Robert Frost

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse
Dennis Miller

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen

Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.
Leslie Nielsen

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.
Slappy White

I only go to work on days that don’t end in a ‘y’.
Robert Paul

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali

A good rule of thumb is if you’ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you’ve made a serious vocational error.
Dennis Miller

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K Jerome

Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
J. Paul Getty

A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
‘When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you’re 42-42-42. There’s more of you, but you are not worth as much.’
Lord Barnett

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Dorothy Parker

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
Errol Flynn

[BM]

October 23, 2009 at 9:58 am

Age quotes:

I’m so old they’ve cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two…
Sir Norman Wisdom

Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon…smart too late.
Mike Tyson

You know you’re getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen

People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it’s more about the state of your body.
Geoffrey Parfitt

Life quotes:

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
Janet Coleman

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
Andy Rooney

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
George Carlin

If all the world’s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
— Paul Beatty

In life, it’s not who you know that’s important, it’s how your wife found out.
Joey Adams

[Mick451]

October 23, 2009 at 10:04 am

…

[BM]

October 23, 2009 at 10:17 am

Mick, are you actually the internet?

[BM]

October 23, 2009 at 10:20 am

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Clarence Darrow

Kids. They’re not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
Bill Maher

To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.
Ernest Hemingway

The trouble with children is that they’re not returnable.
Quentin Crisp

There are only two things a child will share willingly — communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
Benjamin Spock

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
Nancy Mitford

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

[BM]

October 23, 2009 at 10:25 am

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.
Molly McGee

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.
Mickey Rooney

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
Helen Rowland

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Unknown

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

[Seoirse]

October 23, 2009 at 10:25 am

Kids are a bit like farts…you can just about bear your own.

:lol:

[BM]

October 23, 2009 at 10:32 am

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henry Youngman

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior’.
Rita Rudner

This guy says, ‘I’m perfect for you, because I’m a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.’
I said, ‘Oh, a gay trucker?’
Judy Tenuta

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself — like, for instance, he can’t find any clean socks.
Jean Kerr

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work or prison.
Tim Allen

I love men, even though they’re lying, cheating scumbags.
Gwyneth Paltrow

[BM]

October 23, 2009 at 10:34 am

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.
Lenny Bruce

I love women. They’re the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that’s fine.
Mel Gibson

I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It’s the good girls men should be warned against.
David Niven

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
Edgar Watson Howe

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
Samuel Butler

[BM]

October 23, 2009 at 11:33 am

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”
4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
6. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
7. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
8. “He sets low personal standards an then consistently fails to achieve them.”
9. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
10. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
11. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”
12. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
13. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”
16. “He would argue with a signpost.”
17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing,but the train isn’t coming.”
24. “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
28. “It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
29. “One neuron short of a synapse.”
30. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
31. “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”
32. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

[BM]

October 23, 2009 at 11:44 am

Seoirse wrote:

Kids are a bit like farts…you can just about bear your own.

:lol:

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing he said was, “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Adam replied.

“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit,” God said.

“Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve…we have forbidden fruit!”

“No way!”

“Yes, way!”

“Do NOT eat the fruit!” said God.

“Why?”

“Because I am your Father and I said so!” God replied, wondering why he stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and he was ticked! “Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” God, as our first parent, asked.

“Uh huh,” Adam replied.

“Then why did you?” said the Father.

“I don’t know,” said Eve.

“She started it!” Adam said.

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

“DID NOT!”

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?