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The slightly risky joke thread …
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Two men looking through a mail order catalogue. One says “Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too.”
The other agrees “I’m ordering one right now.”3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick “Has your woman turned up yet?”
“No” said Mick “but it shouldn’t be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!”Little boy gets home from school and says “Dad, I’ve got a part in the school play as a man who’s been married for 25 years.”
His Dad replies “Never mind Son. Maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part!!”The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife. They said “Is this your Wife Sir?”
Shocked, I answered “Yes!”.
They said “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been in a car accident”.
I said “I know but she has a lovely personality!”A fifteen year old boy and his father from a small village were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, ‘What is this Father?’
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.’
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an overweight old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…..
‘Go get your Mother’
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you
determine whether or not an older person should be put in an Care Home?”“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A capable person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”“No” he said. “A capable person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?”Paddy was nearing the end. He’d enjoyed a long and happy life, but his race was almost over. Lying in the big double bed with the Sunlight streaming through the windows, he was letting his mind travel unfettered through the twists and turns of days long past, when he thought he could smell the aroma of ginger biscuits baking. As the minutes slipped by, Paddy realised that no, it wasn’t his imagination, he really could smell ginger biscuits!
“I’d love one more ginger biscuit before I die!” thought Paddy. Too far gone to call to his wife Brigid downstairs in the kitchen, he decided on direct action. Pushing back the bedclothes, Paddy half slid, half fell onto the bedroom floor. After taking a few moments to recover from his exertions, he set off crawling across the floor towards the stairs. Unable to descend the stairs normally, Paddy shuffled downwards, step by step, on his bottom, just as he had done 85 years ago as a baby. Reaching the hallway below, he lay exhausted for several minutes before crawling towards the kitchen, where Brigid was baking. The ginger biscuits were cooling on a wire tray, on the table. Crawling towards them, Paddy stretched out his hand, in a vain attempt to reach the biscuits. A shuddering sob escaped the dying man’s lips. Brigid spun round and taking in the pitiful tableau before her in one glance, she dashed around the kitchen table to where her doomed husband lay crying on the floor. “Get yer feckin’ hands off them ginger biscuits ye ould bastard!” she screeched, battering his head with a large wooden spoon, “Them’s for the feckin’ wake so they are!”It’s 1 am… a filthy wet & windy night. There’s a knock on the door. The husband gets up to see who it is. A very drunk guy is standing at the door, soaked. ”What do you want” ? asks the husband. ”Any chance of a push” ?.. asks the drunk guy. ”In this weather,, no way… not a chance,” says the husband and closes the door. Back in bed the wife asks.. ”who was at the door’ ?… ”Oh just some eejit looking for a push,, but I told him no way”. ”Why not” asks the wife.. ”Have you forgotten the time we broke down, and that kind man got out of his warm bed to help us.. you ought to be ashamed of yourself”. ”Ohhh.. alright”.. says the husband, and gets up again, and gets himself dressed up to go out in the wind and rain. Anyway, he’s outside in the howling wind and pouring rain with his torch.. in the dark, and calls out.. ”Do you still want a push” ? ”Yes”.. shouts the drunk guy.. ”OK” shouts the husband… ”where are you” ?…. ”I’m over here”.. shouts the drunk guy….”on the swing”.
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a
mistake, and thought that she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,
“I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”The blonde said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill
my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can
look young and beautiful again.”The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my shoulders …..
I can splash it on my eyes!”
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